Letting it all out.

[PostalJambo]

Alright guys, hows it going?
I realise I havn't been around as much recently, virtually stopped playing on the CoD4/5 servers and my forum activity is been somewhat, lacking. But I've recently had a few problems with that other world that exists outside of my bedroom - and no doubt my conciousness, too. Recently I ran into a bit of a dilemma.

When I was four years young, mother dear went to a car boot sale and purchased me a Sega Mega drive (NO MEGA CD) and my affection for video games has grown since.
I find myself working seven days a week, I get up at 8 and get home at 8, with nay a penny to scratch my backside once rent is paid and my travel expenses are covered.
My girlfriend I see every evening otherwise my manhood would be cleverly turned to firewood. Toasty firewood. She's somewhat, high maintenance and recently we've lost our 'spark' as it were, becoming hollow shells as we sit, smoke ciggarettes and watch bad tv. We don't talk anymore, we argue, fight, have a barmy. Whatever you want to call it, it's miserable.
My buddies I have no time for at all. (Sorry Wolfie, we will go for that drink soon)
And as for my computer, well it's been gathering dust.

Not that it doesn't gather dust any way, it's poorly ventilated, but I digress...

I found myself tired, all the time. I'm so tired I can't eat. Whenever I try and sleep, I can't, as something is always buzzing around in my head. I am no longer able to divulge in my one release - video gaming.
Well, video gaming or drinking.
Now I find that my current mental status is starting to affect the way I act around people, it's affecting my work. It's affecting my way of life.
At night, when walking home, I sometimes pretend I'm a deadly ninja, or a spec ops operative deep behind the enemy line. When I sit on the bus, travelling to work, I have often thought about standing up and screaming, gunning down the elderly folk, the women bearing children, the chav that sit's in the corner eyeballing possible victims, with a heavy machine gun. Sometimes I'll stare out of the window and watch the cars whizz by, and see myself scream past in a Dodge Viper whilst being chased by an army of midgets. And a Dragon. Worg riders surround the bus as arrows, bullet holes and, yes, midgets, crash through the roof of what I can only see as my metal coffin.

But what I'm trying to figure out is, what is causing this explosion of psychotic imagination, and will it get any worse? I'm not a baby murderer, and I acknowledge the fact that the elderly are called so because they are old, which in turn makes them slow, unresponsive and a little bit...pungent(yes, like zombies). But still, I wouldn't want to kill them for it.
I figured that I couldn't keep going like this, otherwise I'd implode and make a mess all over that lovely bus and some poor scrub would have to clean it up, so I had to make some changes in my life.

So, right now, I'm enjoying a cold beer. Talking to - or should that be, at? - you guys who I consider friends/buddies/comrades. I've made a decision to squeeze in some game time to quell my explosive imagination from spilling into the "real world". I've cleaned my computer out nicely and made plans on upgrading her, she's currently downloading and installing Far Cry 2 Fortunes Edition, the weekend deal on Steam.
And yeah, I'm single.

F**k.

[BillBailey]

Dude you need a holiday, get out into the country side on your own and just clear your head.

[PostalJambo]

Ah I know brother, but time's is hard. I honestly can't afford the time off, even if it were a couple days. I must admit though, I split with my girl yestarday, and I was completely unprepared, almost more than she was. I think she felt it coming. I'm still trying to think whether or not that was a good idea or not. But then again, if I hadn't, I wouldn't be sitting here typing this post, I'd be at her house, probably listening to her incessant nagging.
Guess I just need the headspace, I don't usually fall down like this, and I'm not the type to talk about feelings. But this whole scenario has gone on for just over a year now, and I needed to rant it out.
I feel better now, Guiness is my friend.

[sleek-geek]

You should sooo write a book!
I enjoyed reading that post, not that I take enjoyment from your dilemma. But because it really was interesting to read.
Also, it would help you let your imaginitive side out....
Perhaps a weekly short story or something?

just a suggestion. =/

[WolfandAngel]

just take a day of or half a day and d something that you think is refreshing.
do small little that make you happy and don't resort to alcohol so much cause it might backfire in the bad way.

wolfie

[Swifty]

Hmm. Go talk to a professional.

[DarkDeamon]

Definately take a day out to do something you want to do. Blow off a little steam, have a night out with your mates, or a LAN night in with your mates, anything to blow the cobwebs off.

[PostalJambo]

Heh, cheers for the idea Sleek, I'm just a little afraid that if someone compiles said short stories, they might just end up consuming the world. And then who am I going to play with online?
For a while, I was working on a little something something, but about a year ago I had a shed-load of exams and writers block ensued. Now I just can't see myself sitting down and picking it up again. When I do happen to get time off, which is generally in the evenings now, I'll just take a walk. Thats the best thing about Cornwall I guess, it's...nice...and stuff...

At least, when I'm not being chased by rapists/murderers/muggers/internet trolls that have found where I live...

[Vauny]

What a strange and yet worrying post....life can certainly throw up some harsh times but I'm sure in time you will indeed find the answers you are looking for and perhaps opening up and talking about it (this post) may be the first step in helping you figure some of it out, either way I'm sure help and suggestions will be forthcoming and maybe a few trusted ears offered should you choose to accept.

[Bennett]

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE!

Ure 18, feck it! whole life ahead of you. Move back into ures mums, getting a different job. and live, go on a holiday. Ure in ure prime. You shouldn;t be working 12 hours a day. well unless you're getting some major job satisfaction. Go out and get obsolutly rat arsed with wolf and foo and stu and all them lot down there. Friends are important. Family we chose for our selfs and all that. make time for 'em.

and unless ure mums a cow she'd loved to have her baby boy back. all mums do. not matter how much they try to get rid of you You've obvioulsy had a right hard go at it and its all gone to pot. just pack it in and start a new. dont be affraid to throw what uve got in the bin turn you're back on it and start fresh. I did. best decision i ever made.
Just go up to her say "Mum its all gone to pot. Im 18 im workin 12 hours a day. ive split with my g/f and ive had enough of all the crap right now. Could i move back in for a bit while i find a new job and get back on my feet"

oh and sleek's right. well it dont have to be a book. just jot something down, any thing. start a diary. right down what uve experianced during the day.
"dear diary. I had the weirest imagination to day. some chav with the face of a slap arse was sat on the bus next to me today on the bus. music blearing. You know just being a c**k. so i just concentrated abit on his head and it exploded. but thats not the odd bit tho. the odd bit was all the orangade thatt came pouring out of his neck instead of blood. i always wondered what coresed threw thier viens...... now i know lul"

oops caried away in a little dream world then. well it enteretained me so im gonna leave it in this. you catch my drift tho. Half the time imaginations are just ure brain tryin to be creative. If you know ure not mad and you've got a full grip on you're sanity just find another way to channel that creativaty. eg the book